We made it to the Falkirk Wheel on Wednesday. Very impressive piece of engineering but that's about as much as we can say on that!

Wednesday evening we went to Linlithgow Castle with Nigel and Roxanna for some Scottish dancing. Paul obviously didn't do any dancing but Nigel was very good and took me for a spin. Really enjoyed it, luckily the rain held off and it was a pleasant evening.

Yesterday we took a drive into the Trossachs which was very pretty. We stopped off at a wool mill where Paul bought himself a tartan blanket and I got a waxed jacket, fortuitously as it turns out seeing as it hasn't stopped raining since. We then drove to Loch Lomond and spent an hour driving along the banks looking for a restaurant with no success. We ended up turning around and driving all the way back to the first one we'd seen.

Drove past Stirling Castle on the way back, and the Wallace Monument. However now we've seen those I doubt we'll actually visit them.

So yes, Edinburgh tomorrow. Hopefully Paul will be up for it - walk to the station, train into the city, find the restaurant and then kill time in the afternoon before we head to the Castle for the Tattoo.

We'll see!

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We went to Bo'ness today and took a ride on a steam train to Birkhill. Unfortunately that was as much as Paul could manage: we did drive along to the Falkirk Wheel but he couldn't manage the walk from the car park to the wheel so we came back to the house. We'll rest up again for the rest of today and see how we go tomorrow.

Really hoping he'll be better come Saturday as I don't want to miss the Tattoo. Poor Paul is getting quite down about it, he's in constant pain.

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My cousin Nigel and his wife Roxana only life around the corner. They invited us for a bbq yesterday evening, Nigel walked round with Dylan the dog and led us back to his place. Unfortunately the flight and milling around in the morning hasn't helped Paul's gout so he was hobbling along very slowly. It was a lovely evening but by 9.00 we were bushed so we made our way back here.

Today we haven't done anything, Paul has just been resting his leg. Hopefully tomorrow we'll go out for a drive and take in some scenery. Nigel and Roxana have invited us to do a Scottish dancing evening on Wednesday night, at Linlithgow Castle. We'll go along although I doubt Paul will do much dancing!

Other plans are to visit the Royal Yacht Britannia, maybe a trip to the Trossachs, an air museum (joy!) and on Saturday we've got lunch booked at The Witchery in Edinburgh, then tickets for the Tattoo in the evening. We've not made many firm plans as we have to see how Paul does with his walking but at least we've got the car so we can tootle off at short notice.

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The house is still on the market. Obviously it's a bad time at the moment and we've only had a handful of viewings. We've already dropped the price by £10k, it's now on for just under £220k which I think is a fair price for a 4 bed semi with a garage. It's a nice quiet no-through road. We reckon that one day the right person will turn up. Meantime we may consider renting it out although obviously that has its pitfalls.

We've moved most of the stuff out now, barring the furniture, so it's de-personalised. That's helping me get more emotionally distant from the house. I was born there, as were Roger and Sally, and if we'd sold it straight away it would have been a terrible wrench. It will still be sad to see it go but at least I'm seeing it less as "Mum and Dad's" now, it's just "the house".

Today I'm going to do my second stint at the St Luke's shop in Grays. There's various things to do there - sort through the bags of donations, work the till, price up stuff to put out, tidy the racks and shelves. I wanted to do it as a way of giving something back as the Hospice were so kind to Dad and to us, in fact are still being kind. Me and brother Paul have been going a monthly bereavement group there and have found it really useful. In fact the next one is next Monday and I think it'll be our last one. I certainly feel I have come through the worst of the grieving now.

A couple of weeks ago, on 7th June, it would have been Mum and Dad's golden wedding anniversary. We laid some flowers at the grave and I had a bit of a cry, mainly because I was thinking about what we'd have been doing had they been alive. There'd have been a party that's for sure! But in the evening we went to a party anyway as my cousin Robert had recently married in Spain, and the party was for everybody here to celebrate with them. So it was nice to spend the time there, particularly as Rob's Mum, my auntie Maureen, was Mum's bridesmaid. Rounded it all off nicely.

Next Friday, 11th July, we will finally be putting my grandad in his final resting place. He died in March 1999 and at the time Nan said she wanted to hang on to his ashes until her time was up, so they could be scattered together. Well my lovely Nan died in December, the day after her birthday. Roger couldn't get over for her funeral and as he's flying in next Thursday (for Paul and Shirley's silver wedding) we decided it would be a good time to do it. Grandad is currently up in our loft, Nan is in Broadstairs with Jill, but next Friday they'll finally be together again.

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We've all been round tidying, cleaning, throwing stuff out. The house is now looking quite good so hopefully somebody will come and see it and want to buy it. Sad as it is to think of somebody else living there, it will be a big step to moving on.

We've appointed somebody to do the conveyancing so now the wheels are definitely in motion. Will keep you posted!

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Yesterday we went to church. As it was a family service for harvest festival, Dad wasn't mentioned in prayers although Valerie said he had been mentioned at the 8.00 service. Afterwards she gave us a private prayer in the lady chapel.

We went back to Dad's house after the service and started gathering some photos for me to use in the slide show at the wake. We've found some fantastic ones - from when he was very young, from his army days, in his football kit and cricket gear.

This morning I've been calling some people from his address book, plus spoken to the bank and the council about what to do next. Everybody has been really helpful and sympathetic which of course sets me off. Probably didn't help that I listed to "Dance with my Father" by Luther Vandross. That was a bad move on my part!

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I went to visit him last night, on my own. He gave me a lovely smile when I walked in but he was so poorly I couldn't help but cry. I told him how grateful I was for the childhood he and Mum gave me and the rest of us, how they had taught us well and we were now passing it on to our children. He then asked for some water so I gave him a few sips, and as he was so obviously tired I squeezed his hand and told him I loved him, then kissed him goodbye and told him I'd see him tomorrow. He said "thanks love" and I left the room. I spent a while chatting to one of the nurses afterwards. She said he'd seemed much brighter earlier and had even had some porridge for his breakfast.

When the phone started ringing just before 5 I knew what it was going to be. The hospice had called Paul saying that Dad had taken a sudden turn for the worst and they thought he was near the end. I got dressed and drove straight there, arriving before Paul or Sally. One of the nurses met me at the door and said "I'm so sorry, he has passed away".

She had been in to see him earlier as he'd been a bit sick. She was cleaning him up and tutting about it all being in his beard, and he laughed at that. She said there was something about him that wasn't quite right, but she couldn't put her finger on it. She kept checking on him and noticed that his breathing was getting more erratic. Then he started making a groaning sound and she realised it was his time and so she called Paul. She went back into Dad and told him we were on our way, then he took a couple of breaths and he was gone.

I think he chose to go before we got there, as Mum did back in March.

Paul arrived a few minutes after me, and Sally shortly after that. Then we went in to see him. I kissed him on the forehead as I knew I wouldn't want to do it when we left. I'd kissed Mum when she was cold and didn't want to do it this time around, I wanted to remember him warm.

We spent a while just sitting there, with the nurse bringing us cups of tea. Then we went into the family room where we were given leaflets on how to cope with bereavement, and also details of what to do next in a practical sense.

Helen flies back into Heathrow tomorrow morning so we decided not to tell her until then. She has got a long journey home and we didn't want to make it any more difficult for her.

We have arranged the funeral for Tuesday 30th October.

I veer between grief and relief. It was so quick at the end but at least he was not in any pain. It was a quiet and peaceful end and now he is with Mum for eternity.

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There will be a MacMillan nurse with him the whole time, including in the ambulance, and Paul said he will travel with him as well. This is going to happen on Monday between 11 and 3. There will be no option for him to stay beyond that, no matter how much he pleads. At the moment I can't decide whether to go or not. I think I will find it too unbearable but then again maybe it would be better for Dad to have as much company as possible.

Him and Mum moved in to the house at the beginning of 1960. It was newly built and Mum was heavily pregnant with Paul. There's so many memories within those walls - so many in fact that we have decided to spend Christmas day (and maybe new year's eve) there, all together, for one last hurrah. We'll take sleeping bags and crash for the night. Roger is hoping to get over at some point between Christmas and New Year so he'll be able to say goodbye as well.

Must get a pic of Mum and Dad on here...

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Mel said that Dad is obviously very poorly and that although they haven't been able to do much in the way of tests and examinations, it is obvious to them that the cancer is too far advanced for even palliative chemotherapy to have any effect. They still don't have any idea of time but they reassured us that they would keep him at the hospice for as long as possible - they don't automatically discharge patients after three weeks.

I said I would be happy to have him back at our house provided there was a total care package in place beforehand. Dee said not to worry about any of that, they would take care of everything should it come to that. It wasn't a big part of the conversation and I don't imagine he will come out of hospital at all.

He is now catheterised. He feels freezing to the touch but says he is very hot. The window in his room is open and the fan is on.

Sally has been in to see him this afternoon and he seems to have got over the "I'll try" mood and has refused medication again. Sally said to him that she understands he doesn't want to be here but that we will persist in visiting, and it wouldn't hurt him to raise a smile now and then. A few minutes later Isabelle and Yasmin went in to say goodbye to him and he smiled!

So back to square one really. I just hope and pray it won't be long and drawn out, for all our sakes but mostly for his. I am trying to deal with it the same way I dealt with Mum's final illness - by thinking that my Dad went a long time ago, and the guy in the bed is nothing like him both in appearance and character.

Helen will be home on Saturday. Maybe he's just hanging on until she is back as he promised he would.

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Paul and Shirley popped in to see him just after lunch time and he promised them he would try to eat. Then when me & Sally went in at about 4, he asked for milk and biscuits. He also apologised to me

Me and Sally then had a long chat to the nurse who repeated the thought that Dad is suffering from depression first and foremost. She doesn't deny that he's very ill though. We explained to her some of the background so far - the seven weeks spent on a hospital ward with not much in the way of exploratory tests, the fiasco of his discharge from hospital, the rapid deterioration once he was at our house. I also said how I felt bad that he was taking up a hospice bed when there may be people more ill than him who would need it. She said that wasn't an issue, he was due to go in anyway for symptom assessment.

We came away feeling slightly better. At the hospice he will be fully assessed and hopefully there will be a clearer idea of exactly what is wrong with him.

Tomorrow (Tuesday) at 11.00 me, Paul and Sally are going to see the consultant, who will be spending some time with Dad today. So there should be more news after then.

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We left a message for Shirley, telling her that there was no point her & Paul visiting later. Paul then called me to find out what was going on and unfortunately things got quite heated. I guess he feels I'm not being very sympathetic but I can't help how I feel. Maybe I'm interpreting the nurse's comments incorrectly but it seems to me that Dad could have a bit longer but he doesn't want to even try, despite having 5 kids and 8 grandchildren who have already suffered one lot of grief this year. I know he is grieving too.

Rachel, one of the hospice nurses, called me last night. We had quite a chat and I told her how I felt. She was lovely, really seemed to understand how I felt. It was so nice of her to take the time to speak to me. She has suggested I take advantage of the counselling offered at the hospice and I think I will take her up on that. Among other things, I feel guilty because it was me who told Dad what the hospital thought was wrong with him, and it seems to me he's lost the will to live since then. So I feel it's my fault that he (and the rest of us) find ourselves in this situation.

I won't go and visit Dad today. I honestly don't know when I will feel able to again. I don't want anger to be the last emotion I feel for Dad but I can't see a way round it.

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Me, Paul and Charlotte went to see him this evening. He managed to say hello to each of us but that was about it. He didn't want the light on in his room. I sat by the bed for a while holding his hand.

Afer a while we went out and had a cup of tea in the lounge. I had a brief chat to the nurse who said they usually need 24 to 48 hours to properly assess new patients, but as far as she could tell the main thing wrong with Dad is depression. They are probably going to offer him steroids tomorrow but I told her he probably wouldn't take them.

I will be going back tomorrow afternoon and intend spending a lot longer there, probably take a book or something.

Paul called Helen in South Africa this evening to let her know Dad's in the hospice. He explained why we hadn't told her anything before now and she understood. She's happy that he's got a bed there.

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Anyway on to the good news: the hospice are taking Dad in tomorrow morning. I feel happy and sad at the same time; happy because I know Dad really wants to go in there but sad because I think that once he's there he'll feel he can let go. But at least he'll be in the best place.

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I'd called Valerie earlier (the vicar of St. Michael's) to give her an update on Dad's condition. She said she would meet me at the hospital at 5, and we said some prayers while holding Dad's hands. Just before starting she asked Dad if it was OK and he nodded, and managed to say "I won't be able to join in". Which of course was fine. It was very moving and I'm so grateful to Valerie for taking the time to do it. After she'd gone I asked Dad if he minded Valerie coming along and he nodded his head.

Anyway he's very weak again today. I fed him a grape and gave him a few sips of water but that was all he wanted. I won't be seeing him tomorrow as me & Paul are going out for dinner to celebrate (as much as we can in the circumstances) our 20th wedding anniversary.

Maybe a bit presumptious of us but me & Paul took the wheelchair and bed table back to the Red Cross today. I also called Essex Equipment to let them know they could have the bed and commode back. We'll look pretty silly if a miracle occurs...

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As we left I asked at the nursing station if they could tell us what the doctors had thought after rounds earlier in the day. The nurse looked at his file and then took us into a side room. She told us that Dad had told them to take the drip out, has refused further blood tests or treatment barring pain medication. So he has definitely given up. They are liaising with St. Luke's Hospice to find a bed and so he will go in as soon as one is available.

They don't know how long it's going to be but it is a matter of weeks rather than months. By the look of him last night it won't be long at all. His blood sugar will fall further so he could fall into a diabetic coma. I just pray that it won't be drawn out, for his sake and ours.

While we weren't surprised to hear this, it's still difficult to accept. I always thought Dad was made of stronger stuff.

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The doctor called the Medical Assessment Unit who agreed to see him so he then called an ambulance. This arrived within 30 minutes (it wasn't an emergency ambulance) and I travelled with him while Paul followed in the car. Unfortunately Dad was sick in the ambulance, so it kind of cancelled out the effect of the caramel. We got to the MAU at about 4pm and sat with him until just after 8. He was seen by the doctor who had admitted him last time which was handy; he was surprised at how much weight Dad has lost. I emphasised to the doctor that we wanted Dad to go onto Orsett Ward, and that the nurse manager at St. Luke's had established that there was a bed there for him.

Yesterday morning Jill from Hospice at Home called to say that Dad had been moved to Orsett Ward overnight which was a relief. Me and Sally went to visit him just after 3 but he wasn't up for talking. In fact he spent most of the time asleep. They have put him on a saline drip which is unfortunately causing his hands to swell up. This is like deja vu as the same thing happened with Mum. At the time they said it was because her organs were shutting down and we're wondering if it's the same for Dad.

We stayed with him for about 40 mins then spoke to the nurse. She asked us where Dad would prefer to die - how surreal to be asked that. We said that if possible it would be at St. Luke's. One of the other nurses on duty was Stuart, who had sat with Mum when she passed away. Deja vu strikes again!

When I got home I called a few people to update them on Dad's condition - Auntie Maureen and Doreen. I haven't called Daphne which is remiss of me, especially as she was due to fly in yesterday afternoon. Must call her tonight.

I called the hospital this morning for an update. Dad had a comfortable night, slept for most of it. Apparently he has asked for some soft fruit, particularly grapes and pears. Maybe his appetite is returning! Me and Paul going to visit after work tonight so will update tomorrow.

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He's even weaker today and so I have had to admit defeat and get the emergency doctor in. Sally called St. Luke's as we didn't want to forfeit his place in the queue. They were really helpful - they won't have a bed til him until at least Tuesday but suggested we get the emergency doctor to refer him to Orsett Ward at Basildon which is a palliative care ward. Then as soon as they have a bed available at St. Luke's they'll get him transferred.

I spoke to Dad and said I'd like the doctor to see him and he nodded. I feel awful as he said the other night that he's happy to be here rather than in hospital but he's deteriorating much faster than any of us imagined, and we just can't give him the care he needs and deserves here.

So we're just waiting for the doctor to arrive.

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Dad didn't have a good day yesterday. Sally was sitting with him for the morning, and then Paul arrived just after 2. Dad asked for help onto the commode so Paul helped and left the room. Seconds later there was a mighty thump. Dad had fallen over. He wasn't hurt but was very shaken. Paul and Sally managed to get him back into bed and he used a bottle instead.

Anne our MacMillan nurse came just before this all happened. She's not happy that Dad still hasn't had blood tests or that he hasn't seen a doctor. She has suggested he go into St. Luke's Hospice for a symptom assessment (I think that's what it's called?). She is going to speak to the hospice manager and see if there's a bed for him. I really hope there is, I know Dad wants to fade away but he should at least do it the right way.

I got home at 7 and went in to see him. He was very weak. I asked how he felt and he said "I'm completely out of it. I'm on my way out Kate." I held his (very cold) hand and asked how he felt about that. "Good" he said. He misses Mum so much and just wants to be with her. I said it was very sad for the rest of us and he said he was sorry, but I said I wouldn't beg him to stay if that's not what he wants.

This morning I went in to see him just before leaving for work. He had a bad night's sleep because of the bed (and Paul said he could hear how restless he was on the baby monitor). Paul managed to get him to eat some mandarins so that he could take his tablets - the steroids have to be taken with or after food.

There isn't a hospice bed for Dad at the moment but he's on the waiting list. Meantime Anne said she would speak to Aveley Surgery to see if she could arrange a GP visit. Unfortunately they are refusing, they said they only agreed to keep him on as a patient but not to do home calls. They are going to speak to my surgery to see if they can arrange for one of their doctors to come out.

Sally then called Aveley surgery who told her "Dr Leighton isn't impressed with Dr Yadava". Well Dr Leighton I'm not impressed with you. Dad has been a patient there for 50 years and he can't be bothered to travel a few extra miles to see him. Why don't GPs have any compassion these days? I am getting so frustrated, Dad needs to see a doctor but we can't bloody get one.

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He didn't eat very much again, just a bit of vanilla ice cream. He later decided he fancied a burger - minus the bun! Unfortunately we didn't have any in the freezer and the Co-Op was shut so we weren't able to help with that request. Paul made him some scrambled egg and he managed a couple of mouthfuls of that.

This morning I woke him at 7.15. At the time he didn't want any breakfast so I had to leave it to Helen as I had to leave the house at 7.45 - back at work this week!

Helen made him some porridge, he had a small amount plus a plum and managed to keep it down.

The district nurse arrived at 10.20 and gave him a bed bath. They told Helen they will carry on with this type of help until social services arrange an alternative.

Helen also spoke to Dr Prebisz (prob not spelt right!). He wants Dad to be tested for sodium and calcium levels - he thinks Dad's tiredness may be down to low sodium. Which is what happened with Mum.

Roger called this evening but Dad wasn't up to speaking. Hopefully tomorrow!

Dad has had a couple of mouthfuls of lemon and lime jelly, plus his teatime tablets.

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Just as we were about to leave the district nurse turned up. Dad said "I was hoping we could put him off today". But I'm not having that. I need all the help I can get so I said he should just have a top half wash, he'd feel better.

This afternoon me, Helen and Sally went to Lakeside to buy a couple of things. We got curtains to hang at the dining room door - this will afford Dad some privacy when he's using the commode. We also got an electronic key safe from Maplins. This was recommended by the care agencies as it saves us having to give keys to lots of different people. We'll just put a key in the safe and tell people what the combination is.

When we got back from Lakeside Dad has his tablets and some potato & leek soup. Then Paul and Roger sat with him for a while having a chat.

At the moment (just gone 8 pm) Dad's having another sleep. Need to wake him at 10 for his tablets and then he can bed in for the night.

We're hoping that tomorrow he'll feel up to getting out of bed to sit in an armchair and watch the West Ham match on the TV.

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Woke him this morning at 7. He'd had a really good night's sleep, only getting up to use the commode once. Roger's in with him at the moment and he's just asked for a small cup of tea.

More later!

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The district nurse arrived at about 9.30 to give Dad a wash. We'd had to move him into an armchair in the lounge because the bed was being delivered. It duly arrived at about 10 and two young men put it all together and got the mattress on it! Dad felt much better when he got into the new bed. It's brilliant, head and foot move up and down plus the whole thing can be raised and lowered at the touch of a button. Will make things much easier for Dad e.g. when using the commode.

Also Louise from Home Hospice called and we have arranged for a nurse to come on Wednesday between 2 and 4. I'm still quite nervous about the routine because we haven't had much definite confirmation yet of what help will be coming. I'm sure it'll all come together soon!

Dad's just eaten almost a whole prawn sandwich which is brilliant, something a bit more solid in his stomach. Roger's visit really seems to have perked him up!

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He's getting a little better at sitting up in bed, as long as I support him he can just about manage it. He doesn't sit up for long though. He's had the TV on a couple of times just to hear the news.

Have had lots of phone calls again today so far!

Louise from Hospice at Home: called during the morning to check how things are. She will call again tomorrow, and then at the weekend to arrange visits for next week.

Also had a call from Nicky at Occupational Therapy. She was the lady I spoke to yesterday who got things kicked off. She's very sweet. She will call again on Monday to arrange a home visit with a view to trying to get Dad more mobile. Meantime she suggested hiring a wheelchair from the Red Cross. I called them and they will have one available tomorrow so will need to collect that from Tilbury. Hopefully Dad will feel a little stronger soon and we'll be able to take him out. Even if it's only round the block it will be good for him to get out of the house. It's quite pretty round here in autumn with all the different colours.

Then MacMillan Benefits called. Apparently Dad will be entitled to a high level of attendance allowance. She's sending me an application form in the post so we'll get that filled in and sent off.

Shortly after that Mark, Dad's named district nurse, arrived. Went through some questions and discussion about Dad's condition etc. He wants to monitor how much sleep Dad gets as it won't be good for him in the long term to keep dozing off. He is sending somebody (or he may even come himself) this evening to help Dad get ready for bed. Need to try and get him more self-caring, with regard to a quick wash etc.

The mattress arrived for his bed an hour ago. Unfortunately the bed's not coming until tomorrow! But the guy inflated it anyway and showed me how to work it. It will have to be plugged in all the time, it's one of those air beds which will help prevent bed sores.

This afternoon Dad has an appointment at Basildon Hospital. This will be his first oncology appointment. We (the family) haven't been given an official diagnosis yet but it seems the care agencies have.

Dad has had prawns again for lunch. He doesn't appear to have an appetite for much more than light foods - no bread etc. Mark said the most important thing is to ensure he drinks plenty, which I am doing.

The MacMillan nurse came this afternoon. She spent a lot of time talking to me, Helen and Sally and also spent a few minutes talking to Dad on his own. She's happy with his mental state. Dad isn't in pain and when he's awake he's quite alert.

Daphne is coming to visit next Sunday. She's getting a one way ticket so no need to decide right away how long she'll stay. It will be nice for Dad to have somebody of his generation to spend time with and talk to.

think that's enough for today!

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Dad was discharged from Basildon Hospital on Tuesday evening and came to our house in Grays. Since he got home he has been sleeping a lot because he lost so much sleep whilst in hospital.

After the initial problems - no contact from care agencies, no specialist eqiupment at home - we have now got the ball rolling and things are falling into place.

There are three care agencies at the moment:
Hospice at Home which I hope is self-explanatory. They are part of St. Luke's Hospice and can arrange for somebody to come round for 5 hours a week, however we want that distributed. Nothing in place yet but I think we'll have them in for an hour a day.
District Nursing Team They are for Dad's day-to-day medical care - pain relief etc.
MacMillan Nurses most people are aware of what they do (website here http://www.macmillan.org.uk/).

This time yesterday i was close to despair because I hadn't heard anything about support and was really concerned about Dad as he'd been on the sofa in the conservatory since he got in the house on Tuesday evening. He was unable to mobilise himself to get into the bed in the dining room. However once I'd spoken to a few people things moved really quickly and by the end of the afternoon I'd been visited by Hospice at Home and the district nurse, plus a commode had arrived. Luckily these two ladies arrived at the same time so they were able to get him on his feet and with the help of a zimmer frame, got him into bed. He looked much more comfortable and I was very relieved.

He has since managed to use the commode a few times and then settled down to a good night's sleep.

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